


I Can Be Your Angel Or Your Devil

by Jsyrin, Rex_Lupin



Category: RWBY
Genre: Crack, F/F, Multi-SI, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Canon, References to Depression, STR Poly, Self-Insert, Shoulder Angels, Tags May Change, discussion on sex, offscreen sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:14:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28874400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jsyrin/pseuds/Jsyrin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rex_Lupin/pseuds/Rex_Lupin
Summary: One day, Salem awakens from a peaceful sleep to find a pair of annoying, untouchable beings perched on her shoulders. Curiously, only she and Tyrian seem to be able to see or hear them...Unfortunately, her troubles are only just beginning.
Relationships: Raven Branwen/Summer Rose/Taiyang Xiao Long, Summer Rose/Salem
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	1. Is this the real life?

**Author's Note:**

> Or in other words, Jsyrin and I become Salem's shoulder morality cores. Crack ensues.

Salem awoke, feeling uncertain about what might have roused her from her sleep. She lay in her bed, a soft, luxurious and well-crafted piece of furniture, hundreds of years old, and yet she'd had it made by a master carpenter, back in the day. 

The Queen of the Grimm wondered why she'd felt the need to muse about her bed. 

_'Oh come on, it was a great idea!'_

_'It was fucking terrible and you know it.'_

Also, the voices. Those were new. They were similar to the whispers of the Grimm, she admitted to herself, but the Grimm were _actually_ whisper-quiet. These were almost at a normal speaking volume. 

Salem scowled. "It is highly disrespectful to wake a lady with nothing but inane blabber, you know," she commented acidly. 

The voices quietened for a moment. 

_'It's highly irregular to be someone's literal shoulder angel too, but you don't hear me complaining and oh god I need a filter,'_ one of the voices shot back. 

...Shoulder what now? 

Salem looked down. The image of a tiny person on her left shoulder looked back up. How about that. 

The tiny figure- a woman in her mid twenties, dressed in all black despite claiming to be a shoulder “angel”- waved awkwardly, then sat down again. Curiously, despite Salem’s best efforts, she could neither feel said person on her shoulder, nor move them with her hand. 

“... I’m going insane,” Salem deadpanned, palming her face a moment later. 

_‘Well, no, you’re already insane. You’re just hallucinating now,’_ the tiny woman continued speaking, drawing Salem’s attention as she pointed to Salem’s other shoulder. _‘I’m sure the dumbass on your right could tell you more_.’

_'Sup, your majesty,'_ a long-haired man of roughly similar age as the woman greeted, adjusting the glasses on his bearded face. _'And as your current shoulder devil, I can absolutely confirm that you are just as sane as you've always been. Mind you, you did pick an argument with literal gods when you were still mortal, so...'_ He waved his hand irritably. _'Questionable at best.'_

"That explained precisely nothing, you realize?" the Queen drawled, not bothering to lift her palm from her face. Hallucinations. Wonderful. Just what she needed. 

_‘It means you’re stuck with us harping on about your decisions for the foreseeable future,’_ the woman deadpanned, then looked around and huffed. _‘First order of business as your Shoulder Angel: whoever your interior decorator is? Fire them. Then murder them. This place is a fucking mess and it’s ugly as sin.’_

“What’s wrong with it?” Salem asked, then realized there was an echo. She looked down at her right shoulder, where the man was busy shrugging.

_‘C’mon, I know I’m the resident edgelord around here, but I honestly like it! Just look at it - fuchsia crystals, black and purple everything - I love it!’_

The woman just sighed, pinching her brow.

_‘The entire exterior of the castle looks like a purple bad dragon dildo jutting into the skyline, the actual crystal blends into the haze around the area so well you can’t even get the damn thing to loom properly on approach, there’s way too much darkness to the point that you can’t see any patterning or decoration_ ** _if it exists_** _, the gothic cathedral look is_ ** _so_** _three centuries ago, and it’s not even properly implemented!’_

“I think I’m actually, properly offended,” Salem deadpanned.

_‘Congratulations. Now fix the goddamn decor in here. Or at least add more spooky candles,’_ the woman grumbled.

Salem glanced over at the other shoulder. The man shrugged. _'Yeah, you're under no obligation to, oh what was the word again, obey, that's it. No obligation to obey. We're just giving... Advice. That's it. Nothing to worry about.'_

"I'm going to... not do that," she told the woman. "And I'm not going to listen to you, either," she added to the man. "Now if you'll excuse me, I will stop acknowledging you hallucinations." And possibly find out what contaminated my tea, she didn’t add. 

_‘Pretty sure your tea isn’t contaminated.’_ the woman deadpanned, then looked over at her much worse half. _‘Oi dipshit, aren’t you supposed to be telling the goth MILF here to be doing all kinds of stupid bullshit right now?’_

_'You grabbed the Angel title,'_ the man shot back. _'So if I'm to be the devil, why not have fun with it? After all, I have no point of reference about where or when in the timeline we are. Do you?'_

_‘... how the fuck should I know? I got here the same time as you did, except I didn’t know I’d be waking up as the sentient brain hallucination of a fucking two thousand year old goth titty MILF with anger and abandonment issues!’_ the woman hissed, raising both her middle fingers at the man as her halo flared with light that- against all odds- actually raised the ambient light level of the area a bit.

“... Wait how did you do that?” Salem muttered, staring at her shoulder. “Hallucinations can’t affect the world like that…”

_‘Then maybe we’re not hallucinations,’_ the man noted. _‘Perhaps you have actual shoulder-mounted morality anchors and everyone can see us. I wonder if they can hear us. I wonder if I could try and influence Tyrian. Such a fascinating character...’_

_‘Don’t try it.’_ the woman deadpanned dryly, pinching the bridge of her nose again and grumbling. _‘I cannot_ **_believe_ ** _I got dragged into this bullshit.’_

“I have decided to ignore you,” Salem decided, pulling on her dress and marching towards her throne room. Perhaps the world would start making sense there?

<>

...Or not. The Queen of the Grimm felt her eye twitch faintly as her... ugh. As her _Devil_ was making faces at Tyrian, the scorpion _making faces back._

“Tyrian,” she snapped. “ _Cease._ ”

“Apologies my goddess!” Tyrian immediately shrieked, much to the confusion of literally everyone else in the room. Watts just sighed and pretended that he didn’t know anyone else there, while Hazel just unfolded a newspaper and read that instead.

Salem wished she could have an _intelligent_ minion to talk with.

_‘You and me both,’_ the Angel grumbled, sighing and picking at her clothes, which had at some point shifted into pure white to match the angelic wings floating behind her back. _‘Euuuggghhh, I don’t like wearing white…’_

_'S wrong with white?'_ the Devil questioned, currently dressed in what he claimed was 'an exact match for Roman Torchwick'. _'Sure, clothes shifting color when you least expect it is a pain, but look on the bright side! At least you don't have a black cat!'_

_‘I_ **_like_ ** _black cats you absolute dumbfuck,’_ the Angel sniped back, raising her middle finger at the Devil once again. _‘And white just isn’t my color considering the fact that my main aesthetic is_ **_motorcycle punk.’_ **

Salem fastidiously ignored the indignant _‘I like them too, but I was talking about cat hairs, dammit!’_ and cleared her throat. “So. Watts. Report, please.”

As Watts gave his report, he studiously tried (and almost succeeded) to ignore the sounds of Tyrian making faces and growls at empty air- at least until he mentioned a particular Huntress who was starting to make trouble within some of their holdings and fronts on the continent of Sanus.

_‘Oh, hey, Summer Rose is still alive, neat!’_ the Angel perked up, having once again changed into an outfit resembling skintight motorcycle leathers, while poking the Devil on the shoulder. _‘that means we’re still a few years before all the important stuff happens!’_

“So,” Salem mused. “Summer Rose is clearly... important in some manner. Hazel, Tyrian, change of plans. Capture the Huntress and bring her to me. _Alive._ Understood?”

_‘That sounds like a situation, my dear Angel,’_ the Devil observed. _‘Do you think we can talk to_ **_her,_ ** _too?’_

_‘Maybe, but… hm. Actually this presents a pretty fun idea now that I think about it,’_ the Angel thought out loud, before sighing and tapping her foot against Salem’s shoulder. _‘I think I’ve got a_ **_wonderful_ ** _idea on what to do next.’_

<>

_'You know, Milady,'_ the Devil said, leaning against her neck, _'Something about this situation feels unfair. We know all those facts and sordid details about you, but you? You know nothing, Lady Salem! It feels... Unfair.'_

"Weren't you the Devil?" Salem retorted. "I didn't realize you cared about _fairness."_

_'Of course devils care of fairness,'_ the man countered. 

_‘The other part is that the labels are mostly just semantics, considering that he’s just here to try and convince you to do stupid shit and I’m here to be… vaguely… responsible. Or at the very least, more reserved about stupid shit than my idiot counterpart,’_ the Angel deadpanned, rolling her eyes and idly filing her nails. 

_'That, and whenever I get power without someone to rein me in, things get a bit dicey,'_ the Devil mused. 

"I... _see,"_ Salem drawled. She did not see, but figured that agreeing was easier. "And, what, am I supposed to just hear the whole sordid details from my tactile hallucinations?" 

_‘Well, I mean there’s the fact that any child you produce with someone with silver eyes has potential for world domination even greater than your own power,’_ the Angel shrugged, barely paying attention until her own words registered and she froze. _‘Wait shit.’_

_‘I’m suddenly reminded of Krillin,’_ the Devil noted. _‘For whatever reason. Hey, didn’t Ozma have Silver-Eyed children at one point?’_

_‘Fuck if I remember, all I remember is those four kids he had that either Salem tried to kill or who tried and failed to kill her. Maybe both. It’s been a while,’_ the Angel shrugged, then looked over at Salem, who seemed… completely frozen in shock. _‘... I think we broke her somehow.’_

_‘Bringing up her dead children might have something to do with it,’_ the Devil deadpanned. _‘You okay, my Lady?’_

“No, I am not,” Salem whispered. She was glad she was sitting down. “I... Ozma had more children? Even after- after what-” 

She cut herself off, taking a shuddering breath. “...could you prattle about literally anything else? Both of you?”

_‘I mean, you’ve got a hot MILF coming soon, might as well practice your dominatrix routine and see if you can’t seduce her,’_ the Angel deadpanned, then paused and frowned. _‘Wait no, that’s what the dumbass would say. How about uhhh… find a therapist and work through your issues before you kill literally everyone and leave yourself surrounded by literally nothing but slavering shadow beasts for company. I mean, unless you’re_ **_that_ ** _into beowolf dicks.’_

_‘...How about I sing you something?’_ the Devil suggested.

“... I think I would prefer now if you both shut up,” Salem sighed, taking another deep breath as her thoughts were unfortunately tainted by the idiocy of the two figures on her shoulders. 

_‘If we’re going to sing, I’m definitely not going for anything too chipper or happy,’_ the Angel answered in response, ignoring Salem’s wishes and glaring at her counterpart. 

_‘Well,’_ the Devil answered, and Salem could _hear_ the grin in his voice, _‘I happen to be in the mood for some Voltaire, how about you?’_

_‘I honestly don’t know much in the way of Voltaire- how about Rob Zombie?’_ the Angel retorted, somehow pulling a godawful looking t-shirt with a ghastly looking album cover printed on the front out of thin air and donning it with little in the way of modesty. 

“I have no idea what are the words you are saying, and I’d prefer you to stop,” Salem deadpanned and was largely ignored.

_‘Hrm - I don’t know_ **_that_ ** _one, I’m afraid,’_ the Devil mused. _‘...Scissor Sisters?’_

_‘How the fuck do you not know Rob Zombie!? The man basically invented LSD Grunge Metal!’_

_'I listen to_ **_songs_ ** _first and_ **_artists_ ** _second!'_ the Devil protested. _'Fine. Queen?'_

_‘Sure, Prophet Song, Bohemian Rhapsody, Fat Bottomed Girls, Dragon Attack, or Killer Queen?’_ the Angel asked, listing off what seemed to Salem to be a rather mismatched set of song titles.

_‘Everyone loves a Bohemian Rhapsody,’_ the Devil replied easily. _‘You can sing along too, milady, if you so wish...’_

“.... I think I’m going to regret this,” Salem deadpanned, rubbing her face and groaning loudly in the privacy of her own bedchambers. “Is there truly no way to get rid of you two?”

_‘Not as far as I know,’_ the Devil responded lightly. _‘At this point, you gotta ask yourself a pair of simple questions. Is this the real life? Or is it just fantasy?’_

_‘Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality~’_ the Angel sang out, her voice clear and surprisingly high and bell-like despite her usual low-throated growl.

_‘Open your eyes, look up to the skies and_ ** _see,_** _’_ the Devil purred, voice low and rumbly to directly contrast his counterpart. _‘I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy...’_

_‘Because I’m easy come, easy go-’_ the Angel stood and grasped an imaginary microphone, belting out the lyrics as if she were an opera singer of some kind. _‘-little high, little low!’_

_‘Any way the wind blows,’_ the Devil continued, leaning against Salem’s neck, the woman seemingly forgotten. _‘Doesn’t really matter to me, to me...’_

“Mamaaaaaa~!” Salem belted out, unable to stop herself from singing that single word before clamping her hands over her mouth in utter shock. “What ha- Just killed a man!- ve you done!?”

_‘... Wow, Bohemian Rhapsody actually_ **_does_ ** _transcend universes,’_ the Angel muttered, staring at Salem in something resembling awe. _‘Radical.’_

_‘Put a gun against his head,’_ the Devil sing-songed softly, watching Salem with an unreadable expression.

“Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead,” Salem added, before looking even more horrified. “What are you _doing?_ What am _I_ doing?”

_‘Magic, apparently,’_ the Angel deadpanned with a light shrug, snickering at Salem’s horrified expression before continuing the song. _‘Mamaaaa~ life had just begun~! But now I’ve gone and thrown it all awaaaaay~!’_

_‘Mamaaaa~ Oooooh~~!’_ the Devil sang, a faint grin on his face. _‘Didn’t mean to make you cry! If I’m not back again this time tomorrow...’_

“Carry on,” Salem found herself singing again, “Carry on as if nothing really matters...”


	2. Please stop talking

_ ‘Y’know, somehow I get the feeling that we’re not actually doing our jobs super well,’ _ the Angel deadpanned, lightly brushing against Salem’s cheek as the woman slept, rolling her eyes and staring across at her counterpart.  _ ‘Y’know, what with the fact that we’re not exactly trying to convince her to do any morally aligned things and are in fact both scheming the exact same thing, just in various degrees of stupidity.’ _

_ ‘You’re the one who locked into the symbolism,’ _ the Devil countered, laying on Salem’s other shoulder.  _ ‘Mind you, we do have quite a bit more autonomy than my original idea, so it worked out all right, didn’t it?’ _

_ ‘I suppose, but I’m also still not happy that we’re stuck on Salem’s shoulders,’  _ the Angel grumbled irritably, crossing her arms and giving the Devil the stink eye.  _ ‘I miss having my laptop. And, more specifically,  _ **_all of my fucking porn.’_ **

_ ‘Why am I not surprised  _ **_that’s_ ** _ what you miss most,’ _ the Devil snickered.  _ ‘You do realize we can pull things out of nowhere, right? Looks to be mostly a comedic effect, but still...’ _

_ ‘There’s also no way in hell I’m pulling down my pants and jilling off while  _ **_you’re_ ** _ right there,’  _ the Angel hissed, flipping off her counterpart casually.  _ ‘Also, I miss my games. And my drawing tablet. And my friends. I sure as hell don’t miss university though. Fuck that shit.’ _

The Devil made a non-committal noise, looking towards Salem.  _ ‘Sometimes,’ _ he murmured, almost hiding in his hair,  _ ‘I remember that people have healthy coping mechanisms. Or mechanisms at all.’ _ He smiled wryly.  _ ‘I repress and deny, almost constantly, or I’ll fall apart and never recover.’ _

_ ‘.... Wow, I can’t believe I actually feel bad for you,’ _ the Angel deadpanned.  _ ‘It’s a Christmas fucking miracle. Have you tried therapy? I’m told it works wonders if you actually try to keep up with your coping mechanisms.’ _

_ ‘Yes, what fortuitous miracle that my therapist somehow made the trip with the two of us OH WAIT,’ _ the Devil grumbled.  _ ‘...yeah to be fair talking to people helps.’ _

_ ‘No, really? I never would have suspected a thing,’ _ the Angel quipped back sarcastically, raising her middle finger at the Devil.  _ ‘Anyway, moping bullshit aside, should we actually tell Salem our  _ **_[names]_ ** _ or should we keep going with the whole Angel and Devil charade?’ _

_ ‘I’m... not sure,’ _ the Devil admitted after a long pause.  _ ‘Out of curiosity, which do you prefer?’ _

_ ‘Well, something more regal than my actual name would be nice,’  _ the Angel shrugged.  _ ‘I’d say something biblical but that doesn’t exactly apply here.’ _

_ ‘Do you honestly think she’d know of the significance?’ _

_ ‘Definitely not, but it’d be cooler sounding than my real name,’ _ the Angel answered.

_ ‘...so why doesn’t it apply, again?’  _ the Devil questioned.  _ ‘Sounds like no problem to me...’ _

_ ‘Yeah but also all the cool biblical names are like, also in Hebrew and I’m not nearly white enough to let myself start culturally appropriating shit,’  _ the Angel deadpanned.  _ ‘Pale, yes. White, no _ .”

_ ‘You know, we can just comply with the local color theme,’ _ the Devil suggested.  _ ‘Combine it with the names we use most often and bam. Ez enough.’ _

_ ‘Yeah, I’m…  _ **_not_ ** _ taking a color name. There’s only so many ways to say black that aren’t super edgy and I don’t know any of them.’  _ the Angel refused, swiping her hand to the side to punctuate her refusal.  _ ‘Also, I am  _ **_not_ ** _ calling myself Blake so don’t even think about it.’ _

_ ‘Actually, I was thinking of surnames,’  _ the Devil deadpanned.  _ ‘Also, I know at least two names meaning ‘black’ off the top of my head that  _ **_aren’t_ ** _ Blake. Like Melanie, or... Okay, I know one name. Sue me.’ _

_ ‘Meh. Still don’t care for color names. It’s a bit too on the nose,’  _ the Angel shrugged noncommittally.  _ ‘Fuck it, I’ll just call myself by what I did sometime back in highschool as a screen name.’ _

“Or how about  _ I _ name you?” Salem interrupted, having been woken by the argument and feeling somewhat cranky. “I think it would solve both of your problems.”

_ ‘.... Yeah sure that works I guess,’  _ the Angel muttered, staring up at Salem with a quiet huff.  _ ‘Just don’t make it something embarrassing to say out loud, I guess.’ _

The Queen of the Grimm hummed. “As you wish. Angel, I name you Elphaba. Demon, I name you Zoroaster. And that, I believe, will  _ do. _ ”

_ ‘... Yeah that’ll do, _ ’ the Angel nodded, then sat back down and stretched out, as if using Salem’s shoulder as a bed… and then immediately sat back up.  _ ‘Wait, why the fuck does the name Elphaba sound familiar?’ _

Zoroaster snickered.  _ ‘Something something flying monkeys,’ _ he noted.  _ ‘I absolutely approve, milady.’ _

“Approve of what?” Salem asked, yawning. “But thank you, Zoroaster. What time is it?”

_ ‘About four in the morning.’  _ Elphaba answered, looking out the window and shrugging.  _ ‘Actually I have no clue. It’s hard to tell out here and it’s not like you have an alarm clock on the wall.’ _

_ ‘We can tell time about as well as you, milady,’ _ Zoroaster noted,  _ ‘which is to say, not at all. But since we’re all awake here, why not do it properly?’ _

“.... Somehow, I can only imagine that you’re suggesting some manner of awful idea,” Salem deadpanned, slowly slipping out of bed and getting dressed whilst ignoring the wolf whistles coming from… the shoulder containing Elphaba.

Apparently the angelic shoulder hallucination was a lesbian.

Wonderful.

_ ‘...Do those veins hurt?’ _ Zoroaster asked curiously, passing up... any question Salem would expect from Elphaba. Huh.

_ ‘... Wow, even the carpet’s been turned white,’ _ Elphaba spoke up a moment later, thoroughly ruining the moment before it could even happen.

Salem  _ sighed _ .

“Yes, the veins hurt. Every wretched facet of my existence is a never ending hell of agony and misery, staved off only by the creation of new Grimm or the snuffing out of human lives. And… one other thing.”

_ ‘Sex?’ _

“..........”

_ ‘ _ **_Interesting_ ** _.’ _

“No, not sex,” Salem finally spoke, uselessly flicking the air where Elphaba was and grumbling with irritation. “It’s the blissful, welcome embrace of death, temporary as it may be for one such as I.”

_ ‘Wow that’s depressing, _ ’ Elphaba deadpanned.

Zoroaster zipped from Salem’s shoulder and hovered in front of her, looking faintly perturbed.  _ ‘No offence, Milady,’ _ he said,  _ ‘But just because I might be two for two when reminding suicidal people that there’s life worth living still, I don’t think I’m equipped to deal with this...’ _

_ ‘Yeah let’s …. not.’  _ Elphaba muttered, rolling her eyes at Zoroaster.  _ ‘I mean, I think we gotta work on some other stuff first.’ _

_ ‘Like Ozma?’  _ Zoroaster questioned.  _ ‘Or something else?’ _

“How do you know that name?” Salem immediately spat out, trying futilely to grasp Zoroaster and pull him out of the air, growling as her eyes glowed with hatred.  _ “Tell me now!” _

_ ‘...You told us,’  _ the Devil deadpanned.  _ ‘Just yesterday. We were talking about Silver-Eyed children.’ _

Salem paused mid-strangle, hands twitching a bit around where Zoraster’s neck would have been for a moment before returning to her side. “... So I did.”

_ ‘Yuuuup. Lotta stuff we gotta work on.’  _ Elphaba rolled her eyes sarcastically, waving her hand in Salem’s general direction.  _ ‘What made you even think marrying him was such a good idea anyway? I mean seriously, I get times were different but it’s not like you needed to give up your entire life just for one dude.’ _

Salem sighed, rolling her eyes a little. “I didn’t, as you so crudely put it, ‘give up my entire life,’” she said, walking to the nearest window and looking out of it. “I did love him, you know. He died young, yes, but we had been married for a good several years. He gave me happiness, you know? So much happiness that I had been denied for so long... Who are you to lecture me on wanting him back?”

She touched the glass. “...Of course, but that was such a long time ago...”

_ ‘And then you went crazy when he died, tried to get the gods to resurrect him, and caused like- what, two apocalypses out of some kind of misguided need to have him by your side?’  _ Elphaba huffed, crossing her arms as she hovered in front of Salem’s face.  _ ‘Maybe it’s that shitty Grimm corruption in your head or it’s just the fact that you spent most of your life isolated and unable to develop proper coping mechanisms, but you’ve literally spent  _ **_millennia_ ** _ throwing the biggest bitch fit possible and trying to murder the man you once loved. Even if you could  _ **_totally_ ** _ do better than that asshole, that’s still not exactly  _ **_healthy_ ** _.’ _

_ ‘She was grieving,’ _ Zoroaster pointed out.  _ ‘I’ve heard grief can make people do some rather stupid things - besides, I still maintain that most of the apocalypse thing was on the Brother Dicks.’ _

_ ‘Oh no doubt about that, I’m just saying that if she wasn’t basically isolated for her entire life she might not have had to deal with this bullshit now,’ _ Elphaba responded, flapping her hand dismissively.  _ ‘The gods were total assholes though- what kind of incompetent buffoons talk about  _ **_maintaining a balance_ ** _ when they’re the ones who made that arbitrary bullshit in the first place?’ _

“Is this how things are going to happen?” Salem asked wryly, still staring out of the window. “Just two highly irritating entities, squabbling over my life without even asking for output? It feels like the Brothers and you two aren’t even that far apart...”

Zoroaster burst out laughing.

_ ‘Hey! I resent that remark!’ _ Elphaba immediately screeched indignantly, raising her middle fingers at both Salem and Zoraster.  _ ‘I am  _ **_so_ ** _ much prettier than either of those limp dicked monochrome silhouette bastards could ever be! I have tits! And I’m not prancing around like some edgy loser’s naked fanfic OC!’ _

Zoroaster was still laughing.

<>

Breakfast continued to be once again a trying affair, with Salem once again being forced to listen to Zoroaster and Elphaba rambling on and on and on and on about topics that hardly made any sense at all.

She would have tuned them out ages ago, except for the fact that they kept dropping hints of tantalizing information about the world in the near future and the past as well.

Information that not even  _ she _ had known about, cooped up in the Land of Darkness as she was most of the time.

_ ‘...anyway, this is just how  _ **_I_ ** _ feel about it,’  _ Zoroaster said.  _ ‘What do you think, Milady?’ _

“... You’re going to have to repeat that, because I swear you just told me to use the Grimm pools to mutate my nethers into a phallus and use my, quote, ‘hot, gooey grimm cum’ to ‘knock up Summer Rose like a bitch in heat’.” Salem deadpanned, pinching her brow and groaning into her bowl of oatmeal- not her favored breakfast fare, but it wasn’t like she could tell any of her servants that sugary children’s cereal was a guilty pleasure of hers.

_ ‘Yeah no that’s exactly what  _ **_I_ ** _ was implying,’  _ Elphaba snickered. 

_ ‘I mean, yes,’ _ Zoroaster replied,  _ ‘but please don’t ascribe her quotes to me. I still maintain that magic is the way to go - Grimm are creatures of Destruction, why would they have cum?’ _

_ ‘Because it’s hot, duh’ _ Elphaba huffed.

“... Grimm are creatures of death and destruction that only seek to annihilate humanity,” Salem finally groaned, rubbing her brow and wishing for the first time for  _ both _ Gods to strike her down so she wouldn’t have to deal with this idiot bullshit. “They have neither reproductive organs nor seminal fluid, and making a phallus out of Grimm material would not change that.”

_ ‘... Well, the other option is you use magic to give  _ **_Summer_ ** _ a dick and have her fuck you until you’re knocked up.’  _ Elphaba pointed out, then paused and furrowed her brow.  _ ‘Hey wait… if Grimm are creatures of death and destruction, how the fuck did you manage to have kids with that loser Oz  _ **_after_ ** _ you dunked yourself in the tar pits?’ _

“Because I  _ am _ still a woman beneath,” Salem deadpanned. “Just-  _ why _ are we talking about this?”

_ ‘Because we’re horny and refuse to fuck each other,’ _ Zoroaster replied, equally deadpan.

_ ‘I may be bisexual, but I much prefer women, _ ’ Elphaba shrugged, raising her middle finger at Zoraster.  _ ‘And he’s not my type anyway. Anyway, do as your Angel commands and go fuck that silver eyed hottie so I can live vicariously through your depraved and raunchy sex life!’ _

Zoroaster sighed and buried his face in his hands. Privately, Salem agreed with him.

“As…  _ tempting _ as that is,” Salem frowned heavily, her face screwing up into a pinched, pained expression as she tried to at least be somewhat diplomatic with Elphaba. “You’ve yet to give me an actual  _ reason _ to do so, other than vague promises of a future child being ‘super awesome’, in your own words.”

_ ‘The devil’s in the details, ma’am,’  _ Zoroaster replied.  _ ‘We know the outcome of the proposed plan of action, but we don’t actually know the fiddly details of it. Prophecies are frustratingly vague about those.’ _ He coughed surreptitiously.  _ ‘...back on topic, have you truly never thought of what it would be like to have children again?’ _

“... I…  _ suppose _ … that I miss my children,” Salem sighed, looking away and holding a hand over her chest. “It has… been so long since I thought of them… how  _ terrified _ they were that night… I…”

_ 'Were I a cruel man, I'd point out that this was on you,'  _ Zoroaster said softly.  _ 'As it is, I'm just clueless and blunt.'  _

"Unusually  _ self-aware  _ for someone claiming to be clueless," Salem hissed, not at all appreciating the bluntness of her shoulderperson. 

_ ‘Oh we’re plenty self aware, Zoro over there is just an idiot when it comes to feelings _ ,’ Elphaba snorted, ruining the moment and rolling her eyes.  _ ‘I mean, sure, yes, you did blow up everything you loved in a fit of furious rage when you realized that Oz didn’t agree with your methods and then spent the last few god knows how many millennia warring with him in the shadows when you could literally just spend a few decades gathering Grimm and then overwhelm every city at once with a sweeping push, but whatever. Grimm ick messes with your head and honestly you’re remarkably well adjusted for someone whose soul is so uniquely attuned to murder.’ _

_ 'Can we get back on topic?'  _ Zoroaster asked irritably.  _ 'Even if the topic happens to be fucking Summer Rose. Dammit, Elf.'  _

Salem sighed, reigning in her more destructive impulses with the ease of centuries of practice as she once again tuned out the bickering pair permanently affixed to her shoulders. “Unless you actively give me a  _ reason _ to debase myself in such a manner, I am  _ not _ , as Elphaba so crudely put it, going to ‘wreck that Huntress ass until she can’t feel her legs anymore’.”

_ 'Well, my reasonable arguments aren't cooperating at the moment,'  _ Zoroaster replied amiably.  _ 'I guess it’s all down to Elf- no, you're right, we're doomed.'  _

_ ‘Oi! What’s that supposed to mean!?’ _ Elphaba asked indignantly, flipping the bird at Zoroaster before groaning and sighing.  _ ‘Fine, if you want a real reason, here’s any number of them, so take your pick: One, if you spend most of your time raising a kid instead of doing evil plots, it’ll really freak the shit out of Oz. Two, if you and Summer actually manage to breed, you actually have the chance to have a family again. Three, it’ll indispose one of the single most prolific Huntresses currently alive. Four, it’ll give you something to do that isn’t ruminating on the pain of your own existence for once in your life. Five, raising a kid again might actually help you with some of your issues considering you’ll be busy trying to keep a kid alive instead of throwing yourself into an endless spiral of depression and hatred over the fact that your entire life boils down to the single most destructive marriage annulment in history.’ _

“...I’ve decided I don’t want to talk to you anymore,” Salem decided.


	3. They did not stop talking.

Three days.

Three. Goddamn.  _ DAYS _ .

Three days of having to listen to Elphaba listing increasingly petty and esoteric reasons for her to impregnate a Huntress she’d never once heard of before until the other day when her name had come up.

Three days of listening to Elphaba’s increasingly disturbing sexual fantasies starring both Salem and Summer Rose doing things that-

Well, actually, most of them weren’t so bad, but the ones involving the two of them  _ getting married _ and  _ living in wedded bliss _ were just plain awkward.

She’d  _ tried that _ , and the last time she trusted someone with her children, Oz had burned down her  _ goddamn house _ and  _ murdered her children. _

_ ‘-nd really, when was the last time you even had sex? I mean sure, I already asked that question like thirty times, but you’ve ignored me for the last seventy two hours so I might as well ask you aga-’ _

_ “ENOUGH!” _ Salem roared, eyes flaring red as she ineffectually tried to grab the insufferable shoulder “angel” and stomp the pest into the floor. “I GET IT ALREADY! YOU WANT ME TO FUCK SUMMER ROSE LIKE A BITCH IN HEAT AND PUT A RING ON HER FINGER! FINE! IF IT MEANS YOU FINALLY  **_SHUT THE FUCK UP!”_ **

Elphaba paused.

Blinked.

Smirked.

_ ‘And that, Zoro, is how you do it,’  _ Elphaba said smugly, arms crossed over her chest.

_ ‘...you know,’ _ Zoroaster mused, blatantly ignoring Salem’s ragged breathing,  _ ‘I’d forgotten she was an only child. As an older brother, I’m perfectly capable of tuning you out.  _ **_Her,_ ** _ though...’ _

“I hate you both, and were it in my power to do so I would  _ annihilate you _ until the only thing left of your pitiful bodies is  _ dust in the wind, _ ” Salem hissed.

Zoroaster patted her on the neck.  _ 'There, there. We'll get you used to it yet.' _

_ ‘Well, that, or she’ll go even crazier and blow up the castle,’ _ Elphaba snarked, snickering to herself as Salem continued groaning, slammed her face into the table, and immediately just barely managed to compose herself as Tyrian and Hazel finally came back… with a bound and gagged Summer Rose between them.

_ ‘Ah… and there’s the plot, _ ’ Elphaba murmured.

_ ‘Silver-Eyed Warrior, check,’ _ Zoroaster agreed. He then  _ floated off Salem’s shoulder _ and hovered in front of the Huntress.  _ ‘Greetings, Summer Rose,’ _ he said mildly.  _ ‘Welcome to the Grimmlands. You might even enjoy your stay~...’ _

_ ‘You do realize that she can’t see us, right?’  _ Elphaba asked idly, watching as Summer Rose continued staring off at Salem directly without even once glancing over at either Angel or Devil, rolling her eyes and huffing a bit at Zoroaster’s theatrics.  _ ‘Really, what did you expect?’ _

The man paused.  _ ‘She can’t? But Tyrian...’ _

_ ‘Tyrian is a madman whose only ability to interact with us, as far as I can tell, is probably just some kind of bullshit brought about by his unique brand of insanity. That, or plot convenience,’  _ Elphaba deadpanned, speaking slowly as if explaining her words to a particularly slow child.

_ '...Damn,'  _ Zoroaster muttered.  _ 'So much for that. Hey, milady, say hello to your future wife for me, would you?'  _

Salem  _ sighed, _ pinching her brow as she strode forth from the shadows that cloaked her end of the table, no trace of her previous lack of composure present.

“Welcome, Summer Rose, to my humble abode,” she spoke calmly, hands folded behind her back as she spoke, gliding across the ground while the shadows loomed around her. “Tyrian, Hazel, release her bonds. She’s a guest, not a prisoner… for now.”

_ ‘God I love how effortless you make this drama look, milady,’ _ was Zoroaster’s contribution.

As Salem’s trusted minions undid Summer’s bonds and removed the gag from her mouth, the Queen of Grimm herself continued gliding forth until she came to a halt before Summer Rose, kneeling down to grasp the other woman’s chin with one hand, turning her face back and forth with an appraising eye. 

“Hmm… I wonder what it is that makes you so important in the grand scheme of things…” she murmured, taking in Summer’s silver eyes before humming to herself and straightening up. “Silver eyes, of course… interesting… very interesting…”

The Huntress gave her a glare, albeit one mixed with confusion. “...If you only found out  _ now... _ Why take me?”

“Oh I’ve known about your silver eyes for some time now, of course, but I simply wished to confirm myself.” Salem all but purred, straightening up as she turned away from Summer once again. “But no, you’ve simply been a… shall we say…  _ thorn _ in my side for some time now. Normally I would simply kill you and be done with it, but… some  _ associates _ of mine have  _ convinced _ me that you would be better served  _ alive _ . So I’ll ask you just this once, Summer Rose… would you rather die like all the rest who’ve gone against me, or would you rather…”

Salem trailed off for a moment, shadows wrapping around the room and plunging it into darkness, leaving the crimson glow of her irises the only illumination. 

“ _ Serve me.” _

_ ‘Ohhhhhhhhh. I think I got chills.’ _

Salem privately  _ sighed, _ doing her best to damn Zoroaster with her mind.

Summer Rose, oblivious to all that, gulped faintly. “Do I have a choice?” she asked quietly.

Salem smirked, chuckling with a deep, husky voice as she gently took Summer’s chin in her hand again and bade the huntress to stand, circling about her like a wolf around its prey. “Oh of course you have a choice. I am not a cruel mistress, nor am I the monster Oz seems so desperate to make me out to be. You are my guest, after all… I am not so crass as to harm a guest under my hospitality.”

"My Lady?" Tyrian questioned. 

"You heard correctly, Tyrian," Salem nodded. "Henceforth, Summer Rose is a guest under  _ my _ hospitality." 

“... As you wish, my queen,” Tyrian nodded after a moment’s deliberation, bowing theatrically as he and Hazel backed out of the room.

Summer, for her part, mostly just looked confused and vaguely terrified- especially since she didn’t have her weapons, nor did she have any means of easy escape, considering that the nearest airship was already on its way back to parts unknown.

_ ‘Hey, can you tell her that your minions are currently harmless compared to us?’ _ Zoroaster asked.  _ ‘Also probably if Ozma has told her anything about her eyes and why he’s a shit ancestor while you’re at it...’ _

Salem quietly tuned out Zoroaster’s words, and pretended not to hear Elphaba verbally composing salacious fanfiction on her other shoulder involving her, Summer Rose, and far more silk rope than Salem ever wanted to think about.

“Tell me,” she spoke again, after pausing just long enough to be slightly disconcerting to Summer Rose, her voice echoing slightly due to the sheer size of the hall they were in. “What has Oz told you about your eyes, I wonder? Their power… their legacy?”

"...That they are a direct counter to  _ you,"  _ Summer countered. She paused. "...They are a  _ direct counter...."  _

_ 'Pretty sure it doesn't work like however she thinks it does,'  _ Zoroaster commented.  _ 'After all, milady, you are a product of both gods' power. It's why our strategy will work that well.' _

_ ‘I mean, it’d probably hurt but like, she definitely won’t kill you,’ _ Elphaba answered in kind, watching as Summer began to have  _ ideas _ .  _ ‘Might wanna watch out, though. And turn around so she doesn’t think she can hit you in the back. _ ’

Obligingly, Salem turned once again, interrupting the faint glow building up behind Summer’s irises and snorting derisively as shadows began building once more, allowing Salem to loom over Summer like a queen over her subjects. “A direct counter to the creatures of Grimm, perhaps, but to me? Oh dear girl, there is  _ nothing _ that is a counter to  _ me _ .”

_ 'Wonder if she can purge the Gee-oh-Dee's sabotage tho,'  _ Zoroaster mused.  _ 'Eh. Experiments for another day.'  _

_ ‘Shh, this is where the seduction starts!’ _ Elphaba hissed, elbowing Zoroaster in the side to get him to shut up.

Salem, meanwhile, simply hid a sigh as the two idiots on her shoulders began bickering again, wishing that she hadn’t been so hasty making a promise to the idiot angel. She could have  _ refused _ , but for some reason the more she listened to the angel and devil pair, the more it felt like the universe itself was bending to their whims, and she could do naught but follow along.

And so, with a heavy sigh, she grabbed Summer Rose by the chin once more, hooded her eyes and quirked her lips in the same way she did all those millennia ago when she dragged Oz to bed, and murmured, “Still… it’s been so long since I’ve had a weakness… perhaps you’d like to be  _ mine?” _

And before Summer could act, Salem darted forward, and captured the younger woman’s lips in her own.


	4. The morning during, the morning after.

_ ‘Oh my god I can’t believe she actually did it,’  _ Elphaba murmured, the two of them remaining respectfully outside of Salem’s chambers as some truly  _ sinful _ noises emanated out from within, not even the sheer weight of the doors able to stop the sounds from drifting out.  _ ‘I can’t believe I annoyed Salem so much she  _ **_willingly_ ** _ got laid!’ _

_ ‘Sounds like she’s enjoying it,’  _ Zoroaster mused, nonetheless blushing furiously.  _ ‘Okay, so what’s the bet on the two of them emerging absolutely adorable?’ _

Elphaba snorted, rolling her eyes.  _ ‘As far as I can tell from what I’m hearing, I doubt either of them are emerging for a very long while, and they’re more likely to look half dead of dehydration than adorable.’ _

Whatever Zoroaster was liable to reply, they were both interrupted by a growl. 

_ "You..." _

It was Tyrian, standing at the end of the corridor, a snarl on his face. "You! You tricked the Goddess! You have strayed her from her goals and pointed her towards- Towards-" He whined. "Depravity! Impurity!  _ Something _ !" 

_ ‘Okay seriously how the  _ **_fuck_ ** _ can this guy see us?’  _ Elphaba muttered, staring at Tyrian as she flapped her wings and raised an eyebrow.  _ ‘I know he’s crazy but come  _ **_on_ ** _ , how does that let him see what should be  _ **_Salem’s_ ** _ hallucinations?’ _

_ ‘Think he might be an  _ **_actual_ ** _ High Priest of Salem?’ _ Zoroaster asked idly.  _ ‘Could explain a few things...’ _

_ ‘Maybe, but he’s a fucking moron all the same.’  _ Elphaba shrugged then raised a middle finger at Tyrian.  _ ‘The only thing we’ve pushed her towards is finally relaxing for once, idiot. She hasn’t had sex in like three thousand fucking years or whatever! Just getting her this far was an absolute farce of a production, and there’s no way in hell you’re stopping us now.’ _

"But!" Tyrian protested. "If it were so- I am her most faithful- Most devout-" 

_ 'Yeah, well, not even Salem ain't gonna stick her dick in crazy,'  _ Zoroaster deadpanned. 

_ ‘Also you’re… kinda ugly. Like, not too much so, but you could use a better hairstyle… and better posture… and maybe a short beard?’  _ Elphaba shrugged irreverently, rolling her eyes at Tyrian’s distress.  _ ‘And just because you simp for her doesn’t mean she actually likes you, dumbass.’ _

_ 'It's mostly the crazy,'  _ Zoroaster noted.  _ 'Add some sanity and I'd totally fuck him. He looks all kinds of flexible.'  _

“I’m  _ right here, _ ” Tyrian pointed out, glowering at the two of them. “And I am  _ not _ ugly! Crazy, yes, but not ugly! I’ve had sex!”

_ ‘Was that before or after you turned them into a still warm corpse?’  _ Elphaba shot back.

_ 'I know we're shootin' and rapin', but necrophilia's a step too far,'  _ Zoroaster quoted something, staring at the madman. _ 'Does the serial killer have standards?'  _

“I would  _ never _ do that! I’m a murderer, not a necrophiliac!” Tyrian whined, his tail lashing furiously as he tried very hard to defend himself. “And she was a prostitute, not a corpse!”

_ ‘... Well I mean, congrats I guess?’  _ Elphaba muttered, raising an eyebrow at Tyrian.  _ ‘You’ve cleared like, the lowest possible bar. Anyway, the fact of the matter is I’m pretty sure Salem’s tired of men at this point considering she’s been in a several millennia long breakup fight with her ex husband up until recently.’ _

_‘Hence, pointing her towards a woman,’_ Zoroaster completed the thought. _‘There had to have been_ ** _some_** _kind of a dry spell after all...’_

Tyrian just whined like a kicked puppy and slunk off to lick his metaphorical wounds in peace.

_ ‘Wow, can’t believe that worked,’  _ Elphaba mentioned idly, blinking before pressing her ear to the door and motioning for Zoroaster to kindly fuck off.  _ ‘Anyway, if you could go do something else for the next few… hours or so, Z… I’ve got some tension to relieve.” _

Zoroaster gave her an unimpressed stare.  _ 'I should point out that the only something else that I could interact with just slunk off like a wounded puppy,'  _ he pointed out with a dry voice.  _ 'That being said, I'm off.'  _ He disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

Elphaba just smiled, shoved her hand down her pants, and added a third voice to the chorus echoing through the corridor.

<>

  
  


Salem awoke, staring at the ceiling. 

_ Well then,  _ she thought.  _ It  _ **_has_ ** _ been a long time, hasn't it?  _

She sighed softly to herself, just barely moving her head enough so she could take in the nude form of Summer Rose, pressed against her own naked body, the woman dead asleep after the night’s earlier vigorous activities.

It had been so long since she’d known the touch of another, let alone that of a woman, let alone that of a woman where she herself was acting as the male in the equation.

Why, the last time was... When Ozma was still alive, wasn't it? My, my. And there hadn't been any of the kind of fancy equipment she touted now, hadn't there? 

Salem smiled softly. As much as she'd railed against the idea, she supposed her hallucinations were right. It  _ had  _ been far too long. 

... 

Funny. She'd have expected a smart remark by now. 

Salem blinked, furrowing her brow. 

Odd, that line of thought usually tended to bring either one of the two running with a quip or three, completely ruining whatever moment she was trying to have. 

Did her idiotic hallucinations actually vanish just because she got laid?

_ 'Sorry to disappoint, Milady.' _

Slumping, Salem looked around. There, perched on the vanity and... braiding his hair? Was Zoroaster, who looked like he was desperately not trying to look anywhere towards either her or Summer. 

Salem blinked. "Are you... embarrassed?" she asked, quietly, as to not wake Summer. "...And where's Elphaba?" 

_ '...I might be,'  _ Zoroaster answered.  _ 'And I have no idea. Last I saw, she decided to relieve her own tension, so I thought it best to do literally anything else.'  _

He held out the braid, investigating it, before shaking his head and huffing.  _ '...Incidentally, Milady, do you happen to have any idea why  _ **_Tyrian_ ** _ of all people can interact with us?' _

“He’s insane, more than a little crazy, and I’m pretty sure at some point I caught him drinking a bowl of soup made entirely out of the tar in the grimm pits,” Salem deadpanned. “I have no idea how he can interact with you.”

Zoroaster coughed. _ 'I. Hum. I didn’t realise a mortal could survive that.'  _ He turned his gaze towards the ceiling.  _ 'So, uh. How was...?'  _

“It was the best six hours of my life since the first time I watched my daughter walk,” Salem answered, murmuring a bit as she ran her fingers through Summer’s hair. “.... Perhaps it is my isolation, but I almost wish she could stay here…”

Zoroaster finally tore his gaze from the ceiling and looked straight at Salem.  _ ‘Is there any reason she can’t? You’re the queen here, after all.’ _

“Aside from the fact that she’s Oz’ favorite pet right now and that the Wastelands are  _ extremely _ inhospitable to life?” Salem deadpanned. “I may be insane, genocidal, and set in my ways, but I am  _ not  _ a hypocrite. I refuse to lock my loved ones in a gilded tower just because I think they will be safer that way. I am  _ not _ my father.”

_ ‘.... Wow, I can’t believe six hours of raunchy, back breaking sex was all it took to redeem Salem,’  _ Elphaba deadpanned as she showed up behind Zoroaster, idly examining her nails as she snickered to herself.  _ ‘I have to wonder just how shitty Oz was in bed if him shacking up with you for several years and giving you four kids wasn’t enough to turn you back while Summer Rose’s tight virgin pussy only took six hours to do the same job.’ _

_ ‘Oh, you’re back,’ _ Zoroaster deadpanned.  _ ‘And either you’ve gotten cruder, or I’ve been holding back on it somehow. I’m not going to ask how you spent your time.’ _

_ ‘I spent five and a half hours with my hand down my pants and I’m still riding that high,’  _ Elphaba mentioned, pausing and shrugging.  _ ‘Would have been the entire six hours, but there was that conversation with Tyrian that happened.’ _

_ 'When I said I wasn't going to ask,'  _ Zoroaster deadpanned,  _ 'I meant I didn't want to  _ **_know._ ** _ And I'm sure Salem agrees.'  _

“I wish I hadn’t just received confirmation that you were masturbating outside the door, yes,” Salem deadpanned, then sighed and stood up to get dressed- the sun, dim as it was out in the Grimmlands, was starting to rise, and she had much to do if she was going to actually let Summer Rose stay for longer than a week or two.

_ '...I'm gonna go find Tyrian,'  _ Zoroaster decided. 

“... Mnnn… Salem…? Who were you talking to just now…?” Summer mumbled as she awoke, slowly sitting up and yawning, completely naked and still slightly sticky from the events of the night previous. “... And… where’s your shower?”

Salem started. "Down the corridor, third door from the right," she answered absently. "You're awake?" 

"Well, clearly," Summer noted. "Who were you talking to? Are your minions about to see me naked?" 

Salem hid a smile. "You would not believe if I told you, Summer Rose, however when it comes to my, ah,  _ minions,  _ you have nothing to fear from them. I have made sure of that." 

"In the last many, many hours, I have discovered that the Queen of the Grimm myth is real, that she's actually kind of a softie, and although she's clearly new to pleasing a woman, she's actually about as good at it as my girlfriend," Summer deadpanned. "My suspension of disbelief has _ very  _ good shock absorbers." 

“Well, in that case,” Salem deadpanned, sighing a bit as she ran her fingers through her hair and began settling it back into its proper, overly complicated configuration. “The short version of it is that I’m haunted by what appear to be sentient hallucinations taking on the aesthetic trappings of an angel and a devil. Somehow, Tyrian can interact with them despite not being magical nor  _ me _ , and I am  _ very _ confused as to how that is.”

Summer blinked. 

Blinked again. 

"...Still not as out there as some of the Semblances I've seen," she decided. "But let's take a look at it logically. What do you and Tyrian have in  _ common?"  _

“... Well, as much as I hate to admit it, more than I would like. We’re both insane- though mine is much less…  _ visible _ than his. We’ve both killed  _ many _ people, we both dislike being around most other people… and I suppose we both have a history of exposure to the Grimm pools, considering the idiot keeps making Grimm tar soup and acting like it’s his favorite snack.” Salem shuddered at that last bit, making a disgusted face and turning away. “Even I am not so insane as to voluntarily consume the Grimm tar…”

Summer raised a sardonic eyebrow, gesturing to... all of Salem.

“...That was an ill-guided suicide attempt,” Salem mumbled. “It doesn’t count.”

“... Oh,” Summer mumbled, clearing her throat awkwardly and looking to the side. “... Well… maybe it’s because you two both drink weird grimm stuff…? Er… wait… I swallowed a  _ lot  _ of your… er… Hm.”

“... Hm.” Salem nodded, pursing her lips as she slowly came to the same realization as Summer. “... That… could be bad.”

“...I’ll go find the shower,” Summer decided.

<>

A few hours (And a quick...ish... round of shower sex) later, Summer stood awkwardly in the surprisingly well stocked kitchen with Salem, dressed in naught but a simple borrowed robe that she’d dug out of Salem’s wardrobe as she dug through the cupboards for something edible.

“... Huh… Pumpkin Pete’s. Didn’t expect you to stock up on children’s cereal,” Summer muttered, raising her eyebrow as she beheld the half empty box of sugar and what could theoretically be called cereal. 

She blinked, furrowing her brow a moment later as she waved at the air in front of her face. “... Salem? I uh… think we have a problem.”

_ ‘Oh my god I think it’s already starting,’  _ Elphaba murmured, watching as Summer continuously swiped the air where she was hovering, her hand passing through the Angel’s ephemeral body with no resistance whatsoever.  _ ‘I think Summer was  _ **_right_ ** _.’ _

She paused, then made a humming sound as she held her chin.  _ ‘Wait does that mean that we’re technically just Grimm based hallucinations then, if the only way anyone can see us is to ingest grimm derived substances???’ _

"My Lady," came a voice. "I have made the most  _ fascinating  _ discovery~!" 

Tyrian strode into the room, wearing a highly uncharacteristic expression. Not a deranged grin, nor anything maniacal either. His eyes were... Twinkling? 

"Tyrian," Salem snapped. "Didn't I tell you to not disturb me unless urgent? What has happened?" 

"Tyrian has...  _ Lost control  _ of his faculties," the Faunus replied, smirking. "I thought it was  _ interesting."  _

"You never had any faculties to begin with," Salem groused. "That... Is not urgent." 

The smirk widened into a grin, and  _ still  _ not a deranged one. It was starting to get slightly unnerving. "Perhaps not, Milady. But please. Call me  _ Zoroaster _ . You named me such, did you not?"

_ ‘Oh my god you fucking  _ **_didn’t_ ** _ you snarky piece of shit mother FUCKER!’  _ Elphaba screeched from in front of Summer, who now looked…  _ very _ confused, and vaguely terrified.

Salem felt a sudden sinking feeling take hold of her. 

“I did say I was gonna find Tyrian,” what couldn’t  _ possibly _ be Zoroaster shrugged, smirking. “Incidentally, I figured out we can do  _ this _ , dearest Ephaba!” He tilted Tyrian’s head. “This feels temporary, by the way. I can’t sustain this indefinitely, and I can’t possess anyone but Tyrian. Not sure what’s up with that.”

“...I have… no idea what’s going on anymore,” Summer muttered, slowly backing away so she could hide behind the fridge (that, or retrieve the milk). “... Is that one of your shoulder hallucinations possessing one of your minions?”

“... Apparently they’re more than just hallucinations after all,” Salem answered faintly, still staring at Zoroaster with something akin to horror. 

“It’s nice to be appreciated,” the-  _ thing _ in Tyrian’s body nodded amiably. “On another note, a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Summer Rose. How is Team Stark doing?”

“... They’re… doing well… I suppose my girlfriend must be worried right now…” Summer murmured, chewing her lip thoughtfully. “... Actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t been gone all…  _ that _ long… have I?”

“All things considered, it should have been only two days since you were taken,” Salem mentioned, rubbing her brow and grumbling to herself. “And I was told you had been alone on a mission at the time.”

_ ‘... Hey Zoro? What’re the odds that a big angry bird is gonna pop into existence any second now?’  _ Elphaba deadpanned.

Zoroaster tilted Tyrian’s head in thought. “Well~... Carry the two... Add laws of comedic timing... I’d say about 100% as I finish this sentence.”

Unfortunately, a pissed off Raven did  _ not _ appear just then to deliver swift and bloody vengeance upon everyone nearby.

_ ‘It looks like you need to work on your math. Why don’t you leave that to the actual engineer next time, hm?’  _ Elphaba rolled her eyes at Zoroaster, then paused.  _ ‘And get out of Tyrian already, christ. It’s disturbing having to look at that moron while listening to an entirely different moron.’ _

Tyrian’s body paused, before jumping out of the window. 

There was a brief moment of confusion, followed by an explosion of swearing outside as Zoroaster reappeared on Salem’s shoulder with a poof of smoke.

_ ‘I should look into having a different body at some point,’ _ the apparition remarked.  _ ‘Not sure what and how, I can only do him, but oh well.’ _

“.... I’m going to ignore that that just happened,” Salem muttered, rubbing her temples and sighing deeply, whilst Summer just looked around and idly chewed on a mouthful of dry cereal like a weirdo.

“... So… is… Zoroaster… always like this?” Summer asked, eyes darting over to the blurs in her vision as she half squinted at the two beings now bickering on Salem’s shoulders. “... And… the other one is… Elphaba?”

“Unfortunately, the two of them are  _ idiots, _ ” Salem sighed, continuing to look for all the world as if she’d rather be doing literally  _ anything else _ other than listening to the two morons on her shoulders.

_ ‘-so unfair- hang on. We’re very smart actually,’ _ Zoroaster piped up in the middle of his argument,  _ ‘It’s just that doing the brainy thing is bloody  _ **_exhausting._ ** _ Anyway, Elf, why didn’t you tell-’ _

And he was off again. Salem rolled her eyes.

“... I see,” Summer mumbled into her cereal, finishing her breakfast before sighing a bit before biting the bullet and staring Salem in the eyes, so she could deliver some shocking truths. “I know you want me to stay, Salem. For longer than it takes for my team to mount a rescue mission.”

“... Yes,” Salem nodded, answering a bit placidly, not liking where Summer seemed to be going with her words.

“... But you know I can’t,” Summer sighed, chewing her lip and holding a hand over her stomach. “I don’t- I have… I have a life back home. A girlfriend. A boyfriend. An annoying not quite brother in law who may or may not also be sleeping with my boyfriend-”

“... Are all Huntsman teams poorly defined polycules or is team… what was it… Stark…? just special like that,” Salem muttered, unable to stop the idle thought from manifesting out of her vocal chords.

“... No it’s pretty normal- but erm… yeah. As nice as this all is… as nice as it is to spend time with you… and get railed by you…” Summer blushed a bit before continuing, “I… can’t stay. I’m sorry, but I just… I could come visit occasionally, maybe… but I don’t know if staying is a real option.”

Salem made a noise at the back of her throat. “Was this your  _ plan? _ ” she demanded her shoulders. “To just... give me  _ attachments _ so that I... So that... So that I could...”

_ ‘Do I look like I know what I’m doing?’ _ Zoroaster deadpanned from her shoulder.  _ ‘I honestly doubt Elphaba knows anything either.’ _

_ ‘Actually my plan was to get you to follow Summer out into the world and get a life that  _ **_isn’t_ ** _ just brooding alone in a castle,’  _ Elphaba responded, rolling her eyes at Salem.  _ ‘So tell her that you’re going to go with her and fuck whatever Oz says, you deserve your own happiness… even if it means, y’know, getting rid of all your carefully laid plans and whatnot.’ _

She paused, tapping her chin.  _ ‘I mean really, it’s not like you  _ **_can’t_ ** _ just throw all your plans away and run away from a giant gaudy castle in order to shack up with a young, beautiful hero for the sake of your happiness. You already did it once, and this time modern medicine made it so that you don’t even need to worry about Summer getting sick…. eh, for the most part. Cancer is still a thing.’ _

_ ‘And if you feel like subjugating humanity after that... well, you have  _ **_time,_ ** _ don’t you?’ _ Zoroaster added.  _ ‘I’m sure you can take the time to indulge, don’t you?’ _

“Ah- um… I’m really… really sorry…” Summer continued to babble, not exactly noticing Salem’s awkward silence, only to cut herself off as Salem suddenly drew the Huntress into a hug.

“I’m coming with you.” Salem declared, having made up her mind the moment Elphaba mentioned leaving the castle. “Nothing ties me here except for my desire for secrecy and… I’m tired of it. I want to  _ live _ again, instead of silently planning humanity’s inevitable downfall.”

_ ‘I’m gonna nip down to the Tar Pools,’ _ Zoroaster declared.  _ ‘ _ **_Honestly,_ ** _ Elf, I can’t  _ **_believe_ ** _ you told me only  _ **_now..._ ** _ ’ _

He vanished in a puff of smoke.

  
_ ‘.... I get the feeling I’m going to regret whatever happens next. Not in a bad way, but the fact that Zoro is an idiot and I hate everything that he does,’  _ Elphaba deadpanned, vanishing alongside Zoroaster and leaving Salem and Summer to stand there in the middle of the kitchen, hugging in silence.


	5. Oh god, why

_ ‘weeeehhhhhlllllll... ffffiiiisssss iiiisss annoooiiihhhinnnn... hhuuuttt iiii hhhhann ssssshpiiiiiik,’ _ hissed a low voice through a throat not built for it.  _ ‘maiiiiiihhhhtt eeeeeeed pakktiissssssh. vatttt of uuuuuu?’ _

_ ‘You sound like an asthmatic halloween decoration you floppy limbed homunculus,’  _ Elphaba deadpanned, continuing to sketch something out in a spiral bound notebook whilst sitting upon Salem’s shoulder, rolling her eyes at Zoroaster’s new physical body.  _ ‘Seriously, you couldn’t have waited to actually get a new body type rather than possessing a fucking  _ **_Imp_ ** _?’ _

The Imp  _ glared,  _ before flopping right back into the Pools as Zoroaster burst out of it.  _ ‘Oh look who’s talking. I’ve gone through at least a dozen Grimm types out here just to see what we can possess, what’s useful, and what’s not,’ _ the being sniped back.  _ ‘So far I’ve determined that Imps and Apathy are capable of that malformed speech, that a swarm doesn’t count as a single Grimm no matter how many silverfish you gather, and that we can’t actually design a new type of Grimm from the Pools ourselves. What have  _ **_you_ ** _ been doing?’ _

_ ‘Drawing fetish pornography and reference sheets for my new body plan, obviously,’  _ Elphaba deadpanned, turning her sketchbook around and showing off some  _ very _ vividly detailed illustrations of a potential new type of Grimm, one that seemed to have crawled straight out of the depths of the stickiest and most shameless parts of the internet.

Or at least, the parts that were aware of what a digimon was.

Zoroaster blinked.  _ ‘...Milady? You’ve actually agreed to create us new types of Grimm to possess? And I guess to send into battle I think...” He trailed off. “She annoyed you into it, didn’t she.’ _

“The sole benefit I will gain from this transaction is that if I make you two bodies, I can  _ kill you _ ,” Salem replied with a dead voice, swiping at Elphaba and snarling under her breath. “I swear, if I have to look at  _ one more _ piece of degenerate pornography, I’ll kill  _ myself _ first.”

_ 'I never did learn to draw porn, so you're safe there, Milady,'  _ Zoroaster mused.  _ 'That being said, I do have this design lying around... Where is it...'  _

He pulled a sketchbook out of nowhere and began flipping through it.  _ 'Shipping... Shipping... Calligraphy... No, wrong notebook, this one's new...'  _ The sketchbook disappeared, only to be replaced by an almost identical if more dog-eared one.  _ 'Angels... Angels... More Angels... Grimm... Aha!'  _

The tiny being hovered in front of Salem, proudly showing a sketch of an one-eyed humanoid... [Thing](https://alexpriorart.tumblr.com/post/636586000065445888/so-how-about-them-creatures-of-grimm-huh), armored with bone plates, and boasting spikes from its shins, spine and shoulders.  _ 'What do you think?'  _

“.... It’s surprisingly reasonable, considering that your counterpart’s reference sheets involved no less than sixty individual works of fetish pornography,” Salem sighed, rubbing her forehead and groaning. “How is this my  _ life _ ?”

“Well, I thought they were pretty well done,” Summer chimed in, smiling a bit weakly despite her encouragement- apparently, the things she’d seen were a bit much, even for her. “... I could have done without the… well... er… actually I wish I hadn’t seen most of it.”

_ ‘The two of you have no legs to stand on considering that me n’ Zoro know  _ **_exactly_ ** _ what you two get up to in the bedroom,’ _ Elphaba grumbled indignantly.  _ ‘Half of the porn I draw is based on you two, you know.’ _

“... Yes, and that’s why I wish I’d never seen it,” Salem grimaced.

_ 'I mean I can sketch you cuddling,'  _ Zoroaster offered.  _ 'Not all that much to draw out here, aside from maybe Grimm...' _

_ ‘I’m not backing down from this, just so you know. There is no force on this planet that’s going to keep me from being my big titty fox Grimm fursona, and I am prepared to annoy the both of you into submission if that’s what it takes,’  _ Elphaba snorted, waving her reference sheets around idly. 

Zoroaster, already sketching his Grimm in another pose, snickered.  _ 'I kind of want to see Ozma's  _ **_face_ ** _ when he sees your thing,'  _ he noted.  _ 'There is absolutely no way he won't be completely befuddled by it. Incidentally,'  _ he added,  _ 'fun fact: the Grimm I suggested was sort of designed to be two hundred feet tall. I'll be happy with only eight, tho.'  _

“If it were for any other purpose, I don’t think I would object to a two hundred foot tall combat Grimm,” Salem mentioned idly, before freezing up and frowning at Zoroaster. “... And now for the first time in my life, I actually thought you had a good idea. What is  _ happening _ to me?”

_ ‘You’re finding out that he’s not nearly as depraved and horny as I am,’  _ Elphaba chuckled, then flipped upside down and laughed.  _ ‘Also you’re getting sooooft~!’ _

_ ‘I resent the implication that I’m incapable of having good ideas,’ _ Zoroaster grumbled, idly cuffing Elphaba upside the head.  _ ‘Just because I have no impulse control doesn’t mean I don’t have good ideas, why else would I take up art?’ _

_ ‘Well,  _ **_I_ ** _ did it because I was super horny and surrounded by bad influences,’  _ Elphaba deadpanned, smacking Zoroaster right back.

“.... The moment I create your bodies, I am going to kill you both, over and over, just to inflict even a  _ fraction _ of the pain you cause me upon yourselves,” Salem sighed, rubbing her forehead and groaning again. 

_ ‘Harder, Mommy,’ _ Zoroaster deadpanned blithely.

_ ‘Say that to my face again and I’ll kill you first,’ _ Elphaba grumbled, smacking Zoroaster again. 

<>

“Ahhh~ It’s so good to have tits again~” Elphaba finally sighed as she climbed out of the Grimm pool for the seventh time, having spent the previous six iterations of her body either complaining about some minor detail or being murdered violently by Salem. Usually both. “Zoro, how’s yours hangin’? Or did you not include one in your reference photos?”

As before, she was naked, though thankfully for Salem’s sanity, she’d been finally talked out of trying to use her hypersexualized fursona as a body. Unfortunately, she still looked like the embodiment of the phrase “goth milf” with all the… bounciness… that implied.

(Summer privately felt a bit inadequate, seeing Elphaba’s… assets… swaying around with every movement.)

“Okay first of all,” the other entity sniped, crossing his new arms, “I’m not gonna look at you until you put some goddamn clothes on. Second of all, I simply asked My Lady for both of them, and a sheath. I like having my options open, thank you very much.”

He bared his teeth in an approximation of a smile, turning his single eye towards... not quite Elphaba, but definitely her direction. “I may or may not have provided My Lady with... variants. Those can be useful too, can’t they?”

He blinked. “And not the lewd ones, just to make the records straight!”

“Ah, but the lewd ones are the best ones,” Elphaba snickered, then shucked on the loose robe that Summer had wordlessly shoved into her arms. “Hmm… damn, an unforeseen consequence of being solid again. I need to actually manually change my clothes.  _ Shit.” _

“Sounds like a you problem,” Zoroaster noted, rolling his shoulders and testing the range of motion. “That reminds me, I wanna try out the four-armed variant.”

“Extra arms  _ would _ be pretty nice,” Elphaba nodded, then smirked, hand over her mouth in a parody of a noblewoman’s laugh. “And that’s why my reference sheet for this body included prehensile combat tentacles- ribbed for her pleasure, of course~”

“Can the both of you  _ please  _ go away now?” Salem cut in, sighing heavily as she rubbed her temples and turned away, grumbling as she leaned against a nearby rock formation in a rather slovenly display, contrasting to her usual reserved and regal bearing. “I have some... _ words _ … to discuss with Summer.”

"...I'll go see if I have magically gotten an ability to fight," Zoroaster decided. "Thanks for uploading the templates to the Pools, ma'am." He turned and absconded at rather surprising speeds. 

“I’m going to go see how many of my own tentacles I can shove up my ass now that I can actually do that,” Elphaba deadpanned and followed after Zoroaster, leaving the other two women alone-ish, save for the presence of all the dozens of Grimm in the area.

“So...” Summer asked, scratching the back of her neck, “What did you, uh, want to discuss with me...?”

Salem frowned a bit as she looked around, clearly expecting to see Elphaba’s pale ass peeking around a rock for a few moments before deciding that, yes, the two annoyances actually  _ had _ left. 

Surprisingly.

“Ah… just a continuation of one of our previous conversations,” Salem spoke slowly, chewing her lip as she considered her words carefully. “About me leaving this place. To come with you.”

She paused, feeling somehow more nervous now than she had in all the last few millennia combined. “What will we tell everyone else? I’ve made up my mind, and nothing will stop me from leaving this accursed realm of death and decay, even if we can no longer stay together- but… As much as I am deathless and eternal, you are not. I have no wish for that  _ bastard _ of a man, Oz, to use you as leverage against me, and I know that… I know that I cannot maintain a charade forever. So… we need to come up with…  _ some _ kind of story. A half truth, perhaps, in order to prevent you from being harmed, and so that both of us may find a hint of peace.”

“...as long as I can convince my team,” Summer mused, “Oz can go fuck himself. Besides,” she added, shrugging slightly, “I can always claim that I fucked you sane and imply that a bad divorce is no reason to wage a war. Er, no offence.”

“None taken,” Salem murmured quietly, pressing her body against Summer’s and burying her face in the Huntress’ mane of fluffy hair. “And come to think of it, I think you actually  _ did _ fuck me sane. My mind has been…  _ much _ clearer as of recently…”

“...I have that effect on people, I’m told,” Summer murmured back.

“Mmm,” Salem hummed in agreement, breathing deeply for a few seconds before pulling back so she could stare the Huntress in the eyes. “.... I just can’t help but worry… it’s been millennia since I last cared for anyone… I don’t… want to lose you too.”

Summer made a noise. “...We’ll talk to Raven,” she decided. “She... doesn’t trust Oz anyway, it could be a good sell...”

“... I… suppose, yes,” Salem nodded slowly, chewing her lip again as she tried not to imagine all the horrible things that could happen to her relationship with Summer if either of them made the wrong move. “... We should… leave before the two idiots return, shouldn’t we?”

“That would probably be for the best, yeah,” Summer nodded.


End file.
